I started it…
But who could blame me?
One look at that jawline
The passionate fire in your eyes,
Your confidence to Express yourself like a wolf in the wild.
Your allure intrigued me.
I had to know you.
Hear your story.
So I reached out.
And when I did,
You pulled me right in.
A super babe, kind and bubbly.
A stark contrast to how they
Defined your disposition.
They said you’re tough,
not to be fucked with.
A young rambler,
Total shit disturber.
And yet the ownership you have
Of your actions.
Despite all that has transpired,
Was a fresh splash of water
To a lonely desert wanderer.
Your transparency and honesty
An aphrodisiac.
You’re fearless.
And so damn observant.
You called me out.
Just another rolling stone.
I confessed. Agreed.
This was nothin’ serious….
Not to pamper.
‘Cause I was just another girl on her way.
But curiosity got the better of us,
And you were still down to play.
But playing with you
was like a cold plunge.
It woke me up to dormant emotions I had buried for so long.
And despite my fear
Of all, I didn’t know
Nor could explain…
I accepted your invitation,
And PLAY we did.
You made me so giddy.
And turned giggles
Into full belly
Gut-busting
howls of Joy.
You adored my femme
while honouring my masculine.
You made me feel strong
and called me to surrender.
You challenged and elevated me with every word that dripped from your lips
like honey into tea.
When GG passed…
And I wandered the streets
a sobbing mess,
My broken heart led me to your door.
Thank God you were there.
Blissfully unaware
singing,
cooking,
flying like you do when you’re in your flow.
Uninvited, I walked in…
Not knowing what to say… how to say it.
I thank Goddess I didn’t have to.
You knew right away.
With one step
you swept me up
And held me tight
until the morning light.
There were many other moments
where failure felt like defeat.
You stepped in and took the weight from my feet.
We shared many laughs
And some tears
Along the journey we travelled
together throughout our year.
And I guess that was the hardest thing to admit.
That it was not for lack of love that our union wasn’t it.
The truth is that when two souls meet
And fall rapidly in love as we did…
There are many factors of Self that are easy to sweep under the metaphorical rug.
But not with you.
Not this love.
Together we rose,
above all norms
To evaluate and define our truth,
Our form.
And so we decided
With awareness as our guide
That what’s best for the Self
does not serve the others
heart or health.
It’s for this reason,
And after many late nights
Spent sharing our wounds
On fireside rugs
We’ve alchemized our pain
Into understanding
And this…
A new kind of love.
One which comes with
the clarity and courage
to go it alone.
Your ability to witness, listen and learn
makes you a remarkable human.
Your tenacity and attention to detail,
your talent, passion and skill,
Your dedication, loyalty and ridiculous goodwill…
Scratch only the surface of what composes your spirit, heart and mind.
These and so many more are the things that I love.
Each I will remember in kind.
I am incredibly grateful for our love.
I am immeasurably grateful for your support.
I am eternally grateful for your friendship.
For the mirror you’ve held
and the light you’ve brought
to dark forgotten corners of my soul.
You’re a wizard,
A wonder,
A truly magnificent man.
Thank you for loving us.
And for helping us let go.
Thank you for understanding.
Thank you for your discernment.
For creating a safe space with me for us to flourish.
There’s so much I don’t know.
But here’s what I do –
We are better off for knowing each other.
I am a better me because I met you.
Thank you for believing in us
And for exemplifying that breakups
need not leave hearts broken.
P.S. Notes:
An online dating app brought this beautiful hurricane of a man into my life. I don’t think I’ve met such a passionate human before. Someone so hardworking and driven to succeed in the name of providing for his loved ones. To be loved by this man was a cathartic, healing experience. His devotion to his vision was like a drug I couldn’t get enough of. So much so that it distracted me from the trajectory of what that vision meant… for me.
It was hard to shine a light on where we were headed. Mainly because it was a beautiful road ahead and I felt selfish for wanting to travel a different path. But practicing self-awareness is like having access to a magnifying glass and the subject under inquiry is your soul. There was no denying that whenever that lens focused on my heart’s calling – I saw a sacrifice I wasn’t prepared to surrender to.
And so we exited our relationship with as much grace as we entered it with. We broke up on Valentine’s Day. We’re both hopeless romantics with poetic souls and the symbolism wasn’t lost on us. We cried a lot and made love for days before departing. I packed up my belongings from our apartment, he dropped me off at the Vancouver train station and with an ache in our hearts we bid farewell to the future we could’ve had.
The poem above poured out of me through a waterfall of tears as I roared through the Rocky Mountains. This man and I are still very good friends to this day and will be (I imagine) forever more. I have immense gratitude for what this relationship taught me – for now I know what romantic love truly is.
